Purple Coincidence

More than a year ago...

I was alone back home and I felt really bored. I flicked through the pages of my old W.I.T.C.H. magazine to counter boredom but it was of no use. I then sank back to my bed with no avail of proper entertainment. My room was already in complete darkness when I found a better way of ridding the dull moment. It took me a couple of minutes to compose a text message for Purple [not her real name] where I expressed my disapproval of her. I sent it to her two numbers – both smart and globe to ensure that she reads it. Although the message didn't mention any names, I guess she'd assume it was her. After that, I never received any texts from her nor a simple reply to the message I sent her. She just erased me in her list of friends in friendster.com and called me a monster in her shoutout.
I really don't know what has gotten into me back then. I know I have liked her as a friend but it seemed to me she had lack of interest in keeping our friendship. So there it ended...

A couple of months later...
I tried to gain again her friendship but at the same time distanced myself from her and a few of our mutual friends. I was confused on what to do. Half of me wanted to have her again as my friend but my other half wanted to stay as far away from her as possible. Of course the latter half of me was defeated. It was hard to keep distance. I always see her in school plus both of us have the same class schedule. How'd you stay away?;p

Last year...
It was the 18th of December 2007 when I requested a friend in Manila to find and purchase me a copy of Utada Hikaru's single collection. I planned on giving the CD to Purple as a Christmas gift [we always have "exchange gifts" in our class every year]. Last, last year [2006], I picked Purple. She was still my friend back then so it was easy to give her a Christmas gift. But last year, it was different. We were no longer friends. I tried my luck and took the chance. I thought to myself, "Maybe, this is it. Maybe i can talk to her and clear things out". But that was just a thought. It never really happened. Our party was canceled and so was the exchanging of gifts. I was left terribly disappointed.
I've made a post about what happened last year [here] . Just read it if you want.

Yesterday...
Almost a year had past and it's Christmas again. While I was getting ready for school yesterday, I searched my cabinet for the gift I kept there last year. It was still there, inside a red plastic bag [still Comic Alley's] was my gift, wrapped in a golden foil and tied with a red ribbon. After what happened last year, I kept the gift hoping that someday I may be able to give it to her. Haha.
Last night [12.17.08] was our Christmas Party. As usual, we exchanged gifts. Guess who I picked? Taahdaah! It's her again, Purple. Third time out of four. Woaa. Isn't it odd? For the past 3 years I've been picking the same name each Christmas.


Today...
Though I'm supposed to be happy now, I really can't help but wonder, "are we good? I mean, is everything gonna be alright now?” I know it can't be like before but I'm still hoping we can be friends again.
I'll just see you next year.

_________
Taking down few things wont do much, right?.;p
Happy Holidays, everyone!

Reality Bites

I sprung up into my feet realizing my day past by with me not noticing.

I woke up this morning, nearly lunch time, with my eyes set widely to my phone's clock as I glared in amazement. The sun was blazing hot outside, people already busy doing their weekend chores and I hear from the other room, my housemates were already busy chattering. It was then I remembered that I purposely overslept. It was the howling, spinning head of mine that knocked me off to bed last night. It was still the same feeling lingering on my head that kept me on my bed the whole morning, although fainter this time. I made an easy rise from my bed and went down to freshen up.

After eating lunch with a little enthusiasm - I was already alone at home when I got up; I went up straight to my room to open my computer. Just then I decided to entertain myself for the rest of the day reading another book. I have it here in my computer a copy of the Twilight Series ebooks. I'm done reading Twilight so my next was the New Moon. My friends' disapproval with my habit never really bothered me. They say that reading in front of my computer would stress out my eyes but then I never really cared. Reading felt so diverting. As chapters past, I did not recognize the clock was even ticking and that the time had flew by too fast. Barely thinking, as already my usual habit, I looked at my phone’s digital clock and to my dismay it was already 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Time had swiftly flown by and I can not believe that I wasted another day accomplishing nothing aside from finishing off eight chapters of an ebook.

I gently pressed down my body to the comfy warmth of my bed and slowly closed my eyes. I tried to think about the things I was supposed to do - my school works that I had intentionally neglected. For a brief moment I wanted to rewind everything and put them all in the "right" place. And there, again, the feeling of defeat, cowardliness, and self-pity ruled over my body. I was half ashamed of myself. It was because of my lack of confidence and spirit towards the concept of "work" that dislodged me from my now, poor-fated reality. This time, I sprung out of bed to head off downstairs. The place had already darkened and the night had fallen faster than I thought it would be. I knew why I was doing all these nonsense stuffs and I knew pretty well that these won’t serve its purpose. I thought I can get out of this much easier but I was wrong. Clearly, an escape from reality was not the right thing to do but this is the only way I know and I this is how I do it.

I ended up my day still reading the "supposedly diverting" ebook. Well, it did take up much time for me not to wonder about my now, down-fated, real life. I'm even quite astound that I'm actually writing about it right now, describing all in detail. I wonder how I'll get through this. Urgh!

_________
Reality bites me again.

Let It Out

Asked her whether she's jealous or not and answered me with, "No, no, I'm not" [with her eyes widely open and her voice louder than usual]. And then reiterated it for about three or four times. For more than three years I've been close to her, I perfectly know she was not telling the truth. So I asked her again, in a more serious tone, "Are you jealous?". And then she said, "Absolutely".

People sometimes want to hide their feelings - how happy they really are, how furious they can be, etc.I don't know if it's their way of protecting themselves from being totally consumed by what they feel. I mean, people normally would not want other people to know they're suffering because of missing something out or just being left out alone while others are having fun in a family reunion. They think that it is safer for them to keep it, believing that it is easier to forget and let go of that particular feeling if kept unsaid. But then I'd tell them, why not try speaking up, tell everyone the truth. In that way, the burden you're feeling inside of you will probably lighten up. And you'll see, the feeling will subside in no time.

________
Label warning: An outburst is not what you need.
Be considerate to your poor nerves.

Temporary Dismissal

Music Playing: Our House by Phantom Planet

I don't know exactly what to post on right now. I just opened a new window for a new post then I started writing. I'm afraid I lost almost three quarters of my day only doing unimportant stuffs. I feel so depressed having to receive my grades for the first semester in my fourth year of college. You see, our grades are seen through the internet and I've been waiting to see it since Monday. For that reason, I always check on the website every two hours just to know if one of my professors had submitted our grade already.

Past three this afternoon, I turned on my computer and typed in the U.P. website. Unfortunately, I was baffled by what I saw on the column for my academic status, it said, "DISMISSAL". Next to it, I saw my tentative GWA, which was 3.5. God knows were to pick me up if I'm totally dismissed in my degree program. As I opened the details on my current grades, I saw that there were only two grades, one for my Seminar subject and the other one for my Technical Writing subject. I got 2.0 and 4.0, respectively. I don't know what to do next so I went off straight to the bathroom and took a bath. After a short, non-refreshing, bath, I went back to my room to change but while I was changing, I checked on the website one more time. There I saw that my GWA increased so do the status became a "WARNING".

I still feel depressed and down. Now, I totally find myself lost to my exhausting, untollerably crazy life. Things, right now, are messed up and I can't find a way to fix them. Many questions run through my mind such as: When will I go home? What should I do? What's the best thing to do? How should I spend my break with greatest benefits? Should I just stop and accept defeat? Will I still be able to graduate on time?... I believe there are alot more questions - all I want to be answered. I just hope it wouldn't be too late then.


________
la, la, la,...life used to be so hard...[it still is] --> a song by Phantom Planet

Shut up!

I wanna stop, think for a minute or two then shout out to people with attitude problems. Damn, why does people nowadays tend to forget about what they've learned when they were little. All i want is just some piece of respect here.Why is it that when i start to speak up, people would just talk out loud as if they never heard me? Am i that too unimportant? Are the words I'm saying nonsensical for everyone? Please, hear me out.

After the enormous load this semester has given me including the final exams and papers that took away my whole week's good night sleep, I wonder why i am still not rejoicing. Not an hour had past when Mr.Not tried to deliberately ignore my unsolicited opinion and advice. Well, the fact that he opened the topic and when i plunged into it, he just withdrawn the whole conversation. I just hope he did consider on how i felt after he dumped out my opinion. Anyway, things could not get any worse if i start to avoid him, right? Yeah, that's probably what I'll do for the couple of weeks to come.


__________
"I leave my friends not because I hate them but because I wanna keep them longer."

Horoscope: Change

Lovely it is to see change in me but is it too late already?

I read my horoscope for the day right after I opened my computer. Here's how it goes:

Wanting change in your life and making change happen in your life both have one thing in common -- patience. If someone else holds the power over a big promotion, job change or other kind of role change, you cannot force them to make their decisions any faster than they are going to make them. And if you are working at creating new change, you have to understand that everyone else doesn't necessarily move on your timetable. Just take a deep breath! Then wait.

This quote holds true to how I feel right now. Chad mentioned to me the other night that he was quite surprised on how I changed since the start of the semester. My old self was too different on the current me. Although for awhile, I thought, did I really change? Or is it just the fruit of the moment. I mean, I have a lot of things to do right now and there's practically no time for leisure. Perhaps it is not the right time for the easy-going "me".

Additionally, I believe that if I have changed, then it is also brought up by the people around me. I am thankful for my good friends that are making me feel that I am important. In the past, I felt so down. I even pitied myself for being neglected by the people I considered as friends. Now I no longer feel that way. I am happy and so i am encouraged to do good in school. That's probably the reason why they say I have changed. I just want to thank them. Thank you, guys!

Although they say I have changed, I still feel it's already too late. The problems I am currently facing started for quite a while now and so I think it is no longer possible for me to change the way things are going be. Maybe I'll still end up disappointing myself. I hope there's still a chance. Please help me, God.


__________
How high is the sky?

When September Ends

When September Ends

I recently downloaded When September Ends from my friend's flashdrive...

The month of September was so tiring for me yet i had a lot of funny experiences acquired. The month started with the lively celebration of UP Sportsfest including my hometown's fiesta. I remembered I had enjoyed those days when school was not yet demanding with all the requirements for the end of the semester. Although my days and weeks after those happy moments were been tormented by my inconsiderate professors who loaded us with tons of work to do. My days never run out of mind-numbing activities. Yet, surprisingly, I was able to withstand all those problems with the help of the Almightly God and my few supportive friends.

I don't know but the things happened this month was unimaginable. Haha. I was able to do my papers & review, answered four (4) mind-boggling exams, and presented a seminar talk last week. It's quite hard. Poured some hardwork there and some luck to back it up. I even cried for nearly a week when I thought everything was slowly falling into pieces. I wanted to surrender and spend another year in UP but thank you for my friends, I was able to find new strength to do all those requirements. I thought it was already the end for me and that I'll disappoint my mom again this time. Good thing I didn't.

I'm really thankful I acquired new friends in school. I feel happy when I'm with them and it's when I'm with them that I think of my problems less. They're really a great help to me. Thank you.

________
September is now over. A few months more and it's already Christmas.
I'm hoping to have another great month ahead.

August Rush

August Rush

This month was been a roller coaster ride for me. My days went from disappointingly rushed attempts to extremely wonderful days/nights. Nevertheless, I think that it still was been a great month and I cannot easily forget the things that happened to me. The feelings are totally mixed up preventing me to figure out my final mood for this month. Anyway, all I can say is that I had fun. It truly is a spice-filled month-long experience.

By the way, I was amused by my Highs this month. Most of them were when I was with this particular person and I just can't help it but to feel lifted up. It's been fun. Although my Downs were not caused by a constant character, I just feel like rejoicing after my worst when I see that particular person. [pwwf]

Bioweek was been successful. I was able to rest for awhile from my terribly tiring subjects and I was able to interact with my fellow bio students. Although I ended up with tons of questions again but I immediately picked myself up and continued to show the good side of me. [lol]

That's all, I guess. It was been a wonderful month filled with great lessons and happy memories that I'll definitely won't forget.


_______
I am hoping for a good month ahead.

Grow Up

Grow Up!

I don't know how to say this but all I want is for that someone to grow up. I mean this person I'm talking about is already a grown up but still thinks and and acts like a young girl. I don't know if this person really notice herself doing this 'coz I do notice her do it on purpose. I can't see the reason for her doing this. She would smile and then talk childishly and then laugh on and on for no reason. She acts as though she doesn't have any problems. I don't know if she's doing this so she can hide her problems but that would be too lame.

Anyway, I really just can't tell her to grow up. It would be shameful for even I myself isn't acting like a grown up. I know how important my school works are but I seem to be unfocused, disoriented, and uninterested. I would always stay in bed daydreaming and after a while would open my computer to watch some movies. I don't know why I stay this way - lazy, undetermined ass.

_____
How can I help myself change? A secret potion perhaps?

3-in-1 Event

3-in-1 Event

Today's the official start of the 2008 Olympics! My niece is also, at this moment, celebrating her 16th birthday. Wow. Her birthday and the Olympics are on the same date, August 8, 2008. It's not just because it's her birthday that I've been looking forward for this day to come but also because of the date. Think about it, today's 08-08-08! Isn't that great? This only happens every century so i guess we can call ourselves lucky then.

Anyway, i'm still up until now. This is my second post since the time i sat my patootie on this chair and i'm still working on that stupid witch's homework. Good luck to me! lol

By the way, I forgot to mention, I now have a printer! I bought it the other day and I got so happy that I printed out so many documents I've been wanting to get hold of. It's a 3-in-1 HP unit [printer, scanner, and copier]. Really cool.

Oh! and i already watched "Batman Returns: The Dark Knight". It's awesome. I just wish i understood other parts there. Some were really hard to synthesize and it was too long. Anyway, it was still great!

________
Too many updates but not a single one is related to my schoolwork. Bad.

Ugly, Bitchy, Witch

Ugly, Bitchy, Witch!

It's like i was hit by a hammer in the head; my fuckin' head hurts right now. Thinking about Tan and her fuckin' subjects makes me go crazy. I'm thinking of actually losing my mind over these Seminar and Technical Writing Courses. It seems that that witch put a spell on me making me fail almost all of my subjects under her. Imagine what she always do to me every time i wake up in the morning of tuesdays and fridays? God, she's the meanest witch i ever met [as if i met a real one yet, but yeah, i consider her as one]. I always get terrified every time I think of her. If only i can quit school.

_____
Is there any secret door so I can get away with this?

Now this is what i call a "blog"

Now this is what i call a "blog"

I read my post for the past months and I noticed all of them were too dramatic. Some I would say exaggerated [at this moment - it is] maybe during that time it was the right emotions I was having. Any way, I just made this new post to use up my time [waste it]. I'm supposed to do school work tonight rather I stayed up to search for House M.D. on the net. I wanted to finish the whole fourth season so I resorted on the world wide web. The thing is, I just ended up reading the whole story including the details on each episode. Of course I wasn't satisfied only with that. I partnered it with some clips and vids on youtube since I cant find any full vids on the net [most links that I found were broken]...I was happy though that I was still able to finish it but was too disappointed with how the season ended. 'twas too sad and too gloomy. It was drastic that it ended that way. [huhu]

Err..drama again...lol. I'm trying to sort out my feelings since while I was reading/watching House MD I tried to squeeze in an anime I'm currently finishing off. It's funny 'coz the story revolves on six high school students that battles through the life in high school. They're all too naive and too clumsy at most times. It's really funny. Oh and the title by the way is "High School Girls". [I watched it to lighten up the atmosphere from House MD. I'm all alone at home and I don't wanna spend the rest of the evening feeling scared...lol]

Back to my school work, I've got tons of them. I don't know where to start so I ended up doing nothing. My whole weekend was wasted on watching movies and doing other stuffs. I just can't concentrate on my studies right now. The whole "thesis" thingy makes me wanna go crazy and now I'm thinking of not actually graduating at all in college. God knows that I'm just too lazy to do work. [huhuhu]

_______
p.s. Just can't imagine Wilde's got Huntington's at the season finale of House. I really do love her there - even more at the O.C. [errr...hahaha]

Random

wit wiw

'tis too funny i get a lot of loads these past months but still have time to think about these nonsense "shades". lol. you probably don't understand what i'm saying; i just can't open these things in mind to the public. believe me, it is way too interesting to think about shades. for the past weeks i think about it a lot. i can't even remember how it started, however, it is wonderful i did. haha

at the very first time i thought about it, i kinda freaked out. it is something so rare and probably something i never thought would pass my mind [but yah...it did]. i imagined myself encountering such thing and ended up thinking it is way too creepy and a little less manageable. but then after a while i just became fond of it and now i can totally accept it. lol. i find the topic too interesting that it always pops into my mind every time i sit down and do nothing. i know it's freaky and intriguing in a way but mind you it is not all that. there's more to it. i even do consider it as something that spices my life more. somehow, it brings me some twists so i'm having fun with it.

hahaha. you're probably wondering right now what i'm saying. it's nothing too serious nor too naughty [for green-minded people]. it is just me playing around with words again. haha...sorry for the randomness...lol

_____
**** shades

Again

Again

i've been acting so weird this week or probably the whole month.
and the past days were been tormented by my own selfish thoughts.
it was kinda late this morning i got my answer to my question.
the answer to my confusion or perhaps the best solution to it.
i ignored this before not thinking that this would not matter at all
but i was proved wrong by my own judgment
surely things could get better somehow if i stay this way -
a little bit confused but composed nonetheless.
it is more rational to stick to what i am supposed to be
than to change my course of being
i am not betraying anyone, not myself, for this decision
this is who i am and this is how i should be.
that's all.


______
again i'm typing

Joint Entry

Selfish Me

[edit]post has been removed[/edit]


End

i want to laugh undyingly with the way i acted before [or even minutes before i typed this 2nd entry]
my behavior towards love was clearly unrighteous
it was just a shallow inclination towards that person
my light attachment was over run by my exaggerated emotions
i now feel so embarrassed
maybe this is the last one [i hope]
goodbye

_________
funny how it feels to be enlightened especially by something i never thought would make sense

Rant

Misleading Rant

though i really do want to cry
no tears would come out from my eyes
and though the feeling really is piercingly heavy
i cannot allow myself to be drenched with thoughts
that would only worsen the hurt i feel right now
the whole thing is not really possible yet i still am affected
i want to cry out to the world and tell them how i feel
but no one would understand
no one would listen
at the end, i will just be judged wrongly
i perfectly know that i cannot continue doing this
i tried so many times to stop myself but my mind always failed me
i assure you i would never stop trying
this, i feel, is something i should let go
i am so sorry for the whole thing
i never intended doing this
it just happened
i am deeply sorry
now thinking about it just cuts right through my skin and it is damn too painful!

_______
oh my
i should not be ranting right now
but i really need to open this or else i will burst like hell

Directionless

Directionless

My wind blew far to the east with great joy in its heart
slowly flowing through the skies, passing by all trees.
Leaves just keep swaying bringing songs as it beats.
But my wind grew sadder and thought it might retreat.

My wind blew again to the south down and up the sea
now having a great time with all the dolphins at feast.
Waves grew bigger that brought joy to those on the sea.
Yet my wind still finds holes to its joy and so it decided to leave.

I feel sorry for my wind since it can find no true joy.
Its heart full of sadness that it no longer see hope.
The uncontrollable doubt my wind can not get rid of
would always find a way to ruin everything even joy.

_______
If there would be a certain direction that would not bring more sadness but would bring joy to anyone's heart, then i would go there - no matter how different and difficult it would be.
-my wind

Questions

Questions

There may have been times I asked myself what love really is.
Asked many questions regarding what might distinguish it from simply liking a person
and what difference it does when you are in love.

Through my years of being aware that love exists, I really never got to answer my questions.
Perhaps, as I always say, I never really had the chance to fall for any person at all.
Or maybe I did. I just did not know I was in love.
For years I have considered my attraction to people just simply “liked" them.
As to what I have experienced, I always grow distantly attracted little by little
ranging from totally attracted to entirely unattached.
My fondness barely reaches months and probably lasts just by weeks.
It is by this I say to myself, this is not love at all.

Yes, there may have been times I considered someone to be really special.
Treated that person as someone I never wish to part from
and played like a fool trying to straighten up things for the two of us.
But none of them really mattered at the end.
None exceptionally wanted my tiring heart.
For after I voluntarily devote myself, that person would always find a way to disregard me.
Everything I thought to be perfect was just made by my mind's eye.
They never failed to make me feel that they really never loved me back
and that their only purpose was to use me.
Although they really did not tell me, I just know.

After all my disappointments and heartbreaks,
I just look back and tell myself they were not meant for me.
And perhaps they do not deserve me or the love I will be offering.
Maybe in time someone will just come, rightful enough to have my heart.
And by that time, I would perhaps be able to answer my questions.

Dredge Up

Dredge Up

it's been a long time since i remembered posting about you
i was able to set my mind off of you for some time now
though you pass my mind so often
i just wash you off and find another else to think about
it is either i am now well adjusted to the situation
or maybe i just got so tired thinking about you
either way it made me feel far better comfort
no more late night dramas and frequent hidden stares
waiting that you might glance back at me, think about me,
and even maybe forgive me
that night changed everything
i can now look at you without any hesitation that you might see me
no more tears on my pillowcase that would be wasted upon thinking about you
this does not mean i am closing my doors nor my windows for you
i still am open for another chance
still hoping we'll be friends again
i'll just have to stop myself from going hysterical on what happened to our friendship
maybe one day things would get better for us.

_______
you just popped into my mind. that's all.

Helpless

Helpless

I do not share the same experiences as you do and probably the sheer reality that I have never been involved in a relationship before has blinded me to the emotions you are showing me this very moment.
Every time you share me the stories about you and him [edit](her?hahaha)[/edit]], I think of how I would answer you or talk to you.
The exact words would never come out in my mouth and that I would stay silent trying to hear you.
As your friend, I want to help you out, tell you things that would perhaps lighten up your feelings and maybe give you some pieces of advice.
I hope you would understand.
I never experienced any of these and I remain ignorant regarding these stuffs.
This is why you would notice me avoiding these topics because I know I can give only a little bit of help or probably none at all.
Just want you to know even though I am like this, I still care for you.
I may be of no use at all but I can stay and just listen.

____________
Don't be stupid.
I'm talking to you.


...madrama masyado...hahahaha...tuod ka man hadi..joke la..char!=P

Running Away

Running Away

Unknowingly, I betrayed myself for posting my thoughts and feelings the other day.
I could have just started the whole recovering thing without the world knowing that it happened.
But for sure people already have read that and must have been thinking who you are.
I'd like to tell them you're just someone unreal and that I just created you with my own imagination.
It would have been easier erasing every memory of you in me...
Well, in that case, no one would be too gullible enough to believe in that crap.
Or may be you are - just a part of my imagination.
You’re just someone who truly exist but live in a different way.
Now you think I'm gibberish, right?
I've been nonsensical.
You’ve been staying as cool as you are. Not knowing how I really feel.
I should have been blaming myself from the start.
It was I who got me through this agony I am in now.
You have done nothing else but to be my friend.
I should stop right away.

________
"or may be you are - just a part of my imagination."
-Running away can be very hard especially when you know your heart will be left behind broken.

Confused

Confused

I wonder if every thing i did was right.
I chose not to go on with the way I felt and just forget everything that had happened.
Although at some point I still argue with myself what could have happened if i had chosen pursuing my feelings and let the whole world know how i felt.
But then it came to me that the friendship i have now with you is the best thing that i ever had and that i would never try to break.
If in any case you feel uncomfortable about this situation, please don't even think i had used our friendship to get to you.
Please don't misjudge me or hate me.
I never intended any of this to happen.
Even I myself don't like the way I feel right now and that i practically want it to wash away as fast as i could.
I still want you as my friend, you know...


____________________
It really is true.
The harder you fall, the lonelier you become.

Point of Derision

Point of Derision

My expectations were not as high as a mountain
Nor my hopes to promises that are easily broken
To my heart that had not just once been beaten
Believing to nothing is no more like a dream.

You once spoke of a promise you’ll forever keep
Lied to me like a famous actor in camera peek
The words that resounded in my careless sleep
Desert me in disappointed hopes and dreams.

I demand with utmost despair of your tainted kindness
Why you left me lying in misery-filled iron sheds
Cushioned all over by thorns and sharpened spears
Why you mock me while suffering all these?

I leave my words of bitterness to you
Indeed you left my heart superbly aching
For once my hope is lost to someone so dear
Then nothing could be done to make things clear.

Keep It Fresh

how long was that? about 3 or 4 years?
im still damn soaked in mud and tears
still mightily trying to get up from the last time
and now you're back to pull me down?
please
if you're leaving, then go now!
and never come back again


_________
i'll just have to save my heart for now
wrap it in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer.