If Memory Serves Me Fine

I’m mindlessly opening something up this early in the morning. Please do forgive me for this weird thought…

In the years we lived, pieces of what we had gone through simply pile up in our heads, creating what we commonly call, “memories”. They say these memories we have justifies who we were in the past and who we became. Some will fade through time yet some will continue to stand out despite the odd reality that they’ve already been a memory for quite some time now.

Searching through past encounters with black and white images flashing in your head often times bring out a smile in your face. And while in your nostalgic state, remembering what happened at a particular time and date, you tell yourself how stupid you were or how great that scene was or maybe how much fun you had back then. However, not all memories we have were colorfully painted. Some stick in our minds because of the pain we suffered at that time. We simply can’t forget the time we got rejected or ignored while waiting outside someone else’s house or maybe the time we became officially not a part of the graduating students list. Little did we know those events somehow became unbearably stuck in our heads.

I may sound bitter but I am not. Having too much to worry about at the moment brought me to a simple yet truthful conclusion. No matter how colorful or how dull you painted your past, it would never change the fact that it is now just a tedious collection of memories. Memories, as I’ve mentioned earlier, will gradually fade. And though some would stick a little while longer, you’d simply find yourself less and less interested or affected because in every new memory you create, you grow. The things that mattered to you before may not matter to you now and so the feeling would never be the same.


...
Dwelling with the past may bring us clarity to some of our questions but focusing on what’s in front of us at the moment is much more worthy of our time and attention.

_____________
02:36;09.21.09

Sweet Escape

I don’t know how I’d write this stuff in my head without sounding creepy or anything less respectful as a person. Although, I really fear someone might punch me in the head after reading this, I’ll just have to try my best to say things right. Well, I have no intentions of making this post that long. This is just with regards to my very last post here: SECOND YEARS.

Oh, dear, here I start:

For the past month I have been with the second years and for some reason I’d like to maintain that bond I have with them. I am thankful enough that they took me in even for just a short while. I may be an insolent brat who just walked up to them, said “hi”, and finally pushed myself to the group, they still welcomed me [Haha. At least that’s how I felt...lol]. In those brief moments I was with them I forgot my problems so I felt lighter. Maybe that’s what I really needed at that moment, a rest from my tiresome college life.

Well, to be honest, I may have befriended some of them for the reason that I had no one to be with in school. The fourth years were just too busy with loads of work to do and my comrades weren’t anywhere near to accompany me. That time I was drowning in my sick, sluggish life and they were there, busy as the others but more open for a distraction like me.

Frankly, I now know the reason why for the past years it has always been the second years. Second years are still kids, I know. And because of that I want to be with them. They already had experienced college for a year and yet they still have traces of high school in them. They’re more optimistic than the others [which, right now, I certainly lack] and they still have a bountiful source of energy like those of the children. Amazingly, that positive outlook in life seems to be contagious and so being with them feels like I’m younger, ready to dream and make some effort to reach those dreams. Weren’t for the second years right now, I wouldn’t have realized something important that I should have long known of. For that, I thank them with all my heart [madrama].

By the way, staying with them wasn’t that easy at all. I made all sorts of effort just to blend in. It was like a challenge that was so hard to get over with. Well, some of them weren’t that friendly at all but I guess all of my efforts were worth it. I can still remember the first time Melody truly smiled at me [I think..haha]. It was just last Monday, August 24. Whew. Unlike Joy, Venus, and Shae, Melody seemed to avoid me. Anyway, Joy stayed sweet at all times while Venus and Shae were simply nice to me, though Shae and I were somewhat friends already before I got close with the second years. I met Rosette last year during the Project Presentation prep along with April Rose and Richelyn [her, I honestly forgot and just recently got reminded of] so it was easier to iron things out with them. Although, there’s this two, Kerlyn and Kim, they’re just too hard to read. If there was anything that would make me feel like I’m no welcome that would be them. [Haha. Peace!] Actually, they’re not that bad. Kerlyn always invites me most of the time to join them and Kim…well, Kim probably doesn’t care what I do but somehow her personality isn’t that “welcoming”. [Hehehe] I’m not saying that I hate them. I actually like them. They always remind me that I’m no longer a second year and that I have other responsibilities to take care of. They keep me close to my path; made me realize that second years are just my “SWEET ESCAPE”.

For the record, I AM TRULY GRATEFUL to them all.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

____________
02:03;08.31.09

Sick Routine

Damn, I’m screwed. I just finished watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 5 at 2:55 in the morning. Gawd, this is crazy. Why the hell would I watch that whole fucking series in one freakin day? That’s just nuts…

It’s no more than a year now since I stopped working on my thesis, moreover, it’s been less than half a decade have I started living away from home. In those freakin years I have learned nothing other than completely ignoring and consciously wasting my fucking damn life. For years, I have done nothing but sit still and watch everything pass me by. All I did was just let things go as they are no matter how awful they may be. I’m just stuck up like shit waiting for someone to step on me and that’s just sick.

Today, I wasted a pretty damn day watching a TV series that had only got me frustrated about myself. The night before, I started playing the DVD and I stopped at 4:00 in the morning. I woke up past 10:00 and I continued watching it. Now, I’m done. I’m done doing this crazy stuff. I’m done sleeping my life away. I’m done acting like a child and start being mature. I’m done playing games. Lastly, I’m done quitting the things that matter to me the most. I’ll have to trust myself and stop doubting my abilities. I’m sick of living the same day after another. It’s just tiresome doing nothing. Better yet start anew.

____________
03:32;08.06.09

Over and After

I can’t make more thoughts of you out of my poor, impaired judgment. Over the past week, I have considered myself to be even more lost in this tangled situation. I’m struggling even greater than before. After that night, I kept on asking myself if everything I said was true; that none of those were merely playfully created by me. I believe that if those were said truly, then I would have felt more at ease with myself. Thus, what I feel right now just proves that I am still having doubts about the matter. Is it even possible to doubt what you have doubted for so long? Hmpf.

____________
02:43;07.12.09

Details In the Fabric

I've found myself something I wasn't looking for: another freakin' distraction. This matter, though completely complicated, excites me each morning I wake up and occupies my mind the whole fuckin' day until I sleep. Not for so long ago I had felt the same way and I still remember the time I told myself to stop acting so foolishly and to never feel the same way again.

But how am I end this stuff? I mean, it's the reason why each morning I look forward to start my day and why I keep a bright face despite all of the problems I have yet to solve. Well, the only problem here is that I tend to focus less on my thesis because I have this person that constantly occupies my mind. Yes, it's true. It's a distraction. But how am I to forget that face, that smile, and that freaking song that resounds undyingly in my head?

I know, like any other, this will surely fade but somewhere inside me wants to keep it longer. I want to keep the fire burning until such time I realize that all I have is nothing but a fantasy in mind. For before this came to me, I have long lost the game. As to why, I can't tell you. It's just a matter of TRUTH and REALITY.

I can never win a fight that, in the first place, will never even begin.
____________
01:43;06.21.09

Offline

SUMMER

I went out for a walk in the beach. It was my plan yesterday to go out for a walk thinking that I’ve been living a sedentary life for a couple of weeks. Imagine how I spent my days half of it sleeping and the other half just eating and watching tv. Well, I got tired of having the same routine everyday so I decided to do something different. [Actually, I got worried about my health. It’s not healthy for my heart to be sitting around and doing nothing the whole day. Grr.]

Sand-writing. [edited] I wrote a couple words and doodled a little in the sand. It made the short walk more fun but a little bit exhausting. ;p

I’m thinking whether or not to do the same thing tomorrow. How about taking a short, healthy exercise tomorrow? Hmm.

ISSA
22:13
05.19.09

_______
JOURNAL

Got myself thinking about whether in the future there’ll be a thing that records everything that goes into your mind. It would be really cool to have something like that and I’d surely buy it. Haha. I guess I’m talking nonsense again. Really, I do want to have that kind of thing. I’ve wanted so much to record or write all of my random thoughts so I can just rewind it or read it aloud to those who want to hear or know about it. It’s kind of weird, not to mention, stupid but I just want to share my ideas about things. I know it’s crazy. Who the hell is going to be interested in reading all sorts of stuffs running through my mind? Well, I don’t know. What if there is? What if there’s someone out there who’d be interested in wasting his/her time knowing more about me? Haha.

.....
I want a tablet PC! huhuhu

ISSA
00:17
05.21.09

Veiled Lines

Will I be convicted by any living man if I would express myself truly? Or should I just end up letting my heart burst into pieces for containing my happiness for so long? I surely do let myself have some devilish little laughs in times of nearly breaching my limits but for how long will I keep it to myself? With those childish, sinful grins I have breathed my heart little by little but never had been any chance I expressed myself more. I know demanding for more would mean opening up with no pretense to the world. It sure does sound appealing yet I dread other people’s remarks afterwards. Better still keep my own insanity hidden to the unappreciative world I was born into.

____________
22:42;05.17.09

The Big Fat Liar

We can never have everything we want in our life. The truth is there are times we need to lie to ourselves that we’re happy and contented to what we are at the moment even if it’s not how we want it to be. Sometimes, we have to sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of our loved ones. It may be painful, but doing so gives meaning to our own existence. Maybe, some of us were just not meant to have joyful endings. At the end, we’ll just have to admit to ourselves that all those years we lived were simply the fruit of our unselfish lie.

____________
14:26;05.14.09

Laugh It Off

“You make it sound as if it’s a disease.”

______
Would there be even a CURE if it is?

It Makes No Difference

I seem to understand now the importance of having a positive attitude in any way and in which ever place you may be. The days I had in all places I went to were just simply the mirror image of the other. Although I can’t consider myself to be well-traveled and that I practically visited only a few places in my entire life, I’d say, they’re all pretty much boring to the point that I’d rather spend my days sleeping. I can see now that although being in other places would mean being with different people and living a different lifestyle, it would always depend on how you’d come up to entertain yourself. Moreover, things would just change only if you choose to. It is us who decide whether or not to be happy. We are the ones who give meaning to all the things that happen to us and how we all equate everything is according to our discretion.

________
Think positive. It’s all in the mind. It is US who create the difference. So smile!

From M.D. to J.D.

I came from Manila after a week stay with my newly found relatives there to attend my sister's graceful exit from medical school. It was quite frustrating since I dream of graduating from medical school myself but I failed to convince my mom to send me off to med school. My stay there was so tiresome, me and my mom kept on arguing about where to send me after I graduate in college. And my sister won't stop pushing me to attend her grad and had always sided with my mom that I should go to law school. Even my cousin, Ara, won't agree with me that I'd do better if I go med school. They all just laughed at me. Urgh!

I can't help but to envy my sister. Especially, after the commencement exercise, they kept on addressing her as,"Doctora" or "Dr. Mendoza". Don't get me wrong, I am truly delighted that she finally graduated from med school. Imagine how it feels to have a doctor as a sister? Haha!

Anyway, it was still fun being there and being with my other relatives including the nice, comfy accommodation. Thank you so much to Kuya Nerio, Ate Elsa and the others for the warm welcome. I sooo love the non-stop eating. Hehe. [my tummy got bigger that my pants won't fit now...] Well, one more thing that made me glad I went to attend my sister's grad, I finally got myself a laptop. See? I should be happy. lol

_______
Oh, by the way, my mom now made her final decision. I'm going to law school. Damn.

I Ain't Crazy

Today, I sat in my room, asked myself, “What the heck am I supposed to do?” In this dusty old room I wept, confused on what it is that makes me stay. “To be or not to be”, I asked some more. What has gone to the other half of me that would stay delighted and bright despite all the quizzical, unforgiving moments of life? I am left here with not a single reason to fight.

Today, I said to myself, “It is for the people who strive hardest that achieves the best in life and not for those who only sit still waiting for some graces to arrive”. My mind got wandering through the possible outcomes I may have but right before I was able to choose, they all escaped into thin air. Again, I talked to myself, “How are those freaking dreams going to be possible when all you can do is sit here and stay idle? Do you think it’ll just one day come and hit you off this chair? You’re no good. You know you’re capable of doing things and yet you choose to be lazy at every chance you have. Maybe you’ll end up being nothing”. Wow. I pity myself again for the nth time.

Today, I asked, “What if there’s no difference between achieving something in life and merely surviving life? What if you choose to live simply, not wanting more of the material things this society has to offer, will it be okay?” I said this because I know myself well enough. I know that whatever I do, I’ll just end up regretting everything I’ve started because in the end, none of them will be finished. I always quit.

Today, I thought hard enough for me to write them down in words. “Maybe, if I wasn’t aware of the better things that exist in the world, I’d never have dreamt having them for myself. Maybe if I never knew the importance of money and the things that go with it in this kind of society, then I would have been satisfied and stay contented living a simple life back in some old, little town far from the busy cities. I would have been happy long ago”.

Today, I had a little chat with myself. I may not be feeling fine but I ain’t crazy, dear. I thought it would somehow clear out my mind so I can finally start taking things more seriously, but I guess it didn’t work. Urgh! I am left hanging more confused than before. Tsk.

Cold Release

I wonder why im so envious on her. Well, it's probably because she gets what she wants and maybe because she's living the life I can only dream of. I can't be blamed for pitying myself more each time I see her. She makes me realize how far/how different we are from each other and how an apple like me fell so far from the tree. It's no wonder why most of the time I call myself a loser; how am I to compete with her? It's just hopeless.

Even when we were little, she had already established that bar, which separated the two of us. It was her who had more talents, although I practically developed my own in other fields, still I was left way behind her. I envied her ever since. Then, unknowingly, I was already dreaming to live her life.

But now, it's different. I have grown already. I now know what I want in life and what I want for myself. Is it just too hard to believe that I have also chosen to take the same field of study as hers? That for no known reason, I desperately want to be a DOCTOR?! fc*k


________
Out of boredom and my impossible dream.

Las Tontas

Summer has officially started in my calendar. Damn!

I'm terribly suffering from my past loads I have yet to finish. Gawd. I wish to go home and enjoy the summer's heat but I guess I'm stuck here in Tacloban to drown in schoolworks. Although I plan to take a trip tomorrow to Borongan, it seems that it's going to be a short vacation since I'll be back here after the Holy Week. Well, at least we're going to have a family reunion on Tuesday. I just hope it would be enough for me to forget about my happy summer. Huhu. Nanay's really been pushy about me graduating after the first semester [I just hope I would] that's why I have to work on my thesis this summer. [Sad] Anyway, I'll have allowance this summer. At least I have something to look forward to. Haha.

As to how my day went, hmm, I spent my whole day sleeping at the sofa. I was supposed to go to school but then I felt really tired from last night's drinking session as so I decided to stay at home. Anyway, I heard from a friend that there is a virus on the net today. He said it was an April Fool's Day bug. His computer got infected and so he was left with no choice but to reformat it. Haha. Cool.

I feel sleepy already. Gotta rest now. I'll be back after the Holy Week.

_______
The Fools

Kwintas

Nakalutang ako sa alaala ng payong matambong

ng maraming kahapong luhaan na sa laot tumatanaw.
Yakap ng dilim at malakas na hangin, sumisigaw.
"Dito tayo mas mababaw. Andito ang sikat ng araw
gumuguhit sa balikat ko at sa mga labi, nag-uumapaw."

-- R & J (2006)

________
Drifting again to a delusional fantasy.

Randomness

It's the people's undying judgment that kills the beauty of freedom and yet without it, life's pretty much boring.

If we all can do the things we wanna do freely and be happy to the fullest extent of our hearts, how can we then be satisfied by what we have? How can we be able to appreciate the wonderful moments we have in our lives if we can all just go out there and find it? And how'd you think we'll be able to realize how fortunate we are for experiencing such thing? I guess, we owe much to those big-mouthed neighbors we have. Thanks to their non-stop, biased scrutinizing we are able to find happiness. To me, what they do just spices life more and the more they treat you like shit, the more you're driven to do better. I guess it's the challenge to defeat other people's negative claims that excites you more.

__________________
"You're too scared to look the world in the eye and let it watch you fall in love."

Viral Infection

Has this nose-clogging colds blocked my willingness to focus most effectively on the things I do? Well, for the past 5 days I've been feeling sick coupled by losing all my interest in studying any material given to me [not that I usually have this urge to study]. I have three exams this week and every time I look at my notes, I feel distantly occupied like I just lost my proper consciousness.

My brain's not functioning rightly as if it's infected with a certain virus or bacteria messing up all mental activities. Like when I'm talking, I just stop somewhere in the middle and realize I can't remember what I was trying to point out. It's like I'm having some blackouts only that I'm not. I don't know what happened to me. My symptoms just started appearing right after I got sick. What am I to do? I desperately need help. asap.

_______
My health is now starting to deteriorate.

When Black and White turn to Gray

The hell day's ending and the damage and catastrophes it left the people behind are now ready to heal. Owws? Haha. I wonder why many people believe in such a thing as misfortune. Anyway, I don't, so why should I care? Haha.

It's the gradual change happening to me right now that made me post this entry. I have recently noticed that compared to what I was before, I seem to be more unfocused these days. Although, for some time now, I have set a goal I should achieve, I seem not to be taking things seriously. Seriously. I've been slacking around more and my days aren't as productive as before. What the heck is happening to me?

Tomorrow is Heart's Day. I still have no idea what to do and where to go so you if you have anything good to offer, just tell me. I am not into the romantic chuchu like other people. All I want is not to be left hanging around and feeling bored while others are having fun with their hubbies. A friendly date would be fun. Don't you think? ;p

________
I'm sleeping my life away. wow!

In Between

Well, I've been wondering. Is there really such a thing as being "in between"?
Like saying you're no longer angry but still keeping that grudge inside of you?
Or maybe playing half-okay but it still shows you're not.
So as saying there's God but not actually believing in Him?
Why is that we try not to be "this one" but not actually wanting to be the "other one"?
These make me consider the human mind as the biggest conundrum of all.
As to those believing in humanistic existentialism, I'll ask you, "Is being "in between" a product of your choice or merely the phase where you cannot make a choice?"
It's like saying being in between means that you're being on that fine line that separates one thing from the other and you're just too coward to choose and make a final decision.

I guess I should end this. My thoughts are now mixed up making this whole thing more confusing.
________
Can you forever stay in that line which separates what you're supposed to be and what you're not?