Misleading Rant
though i really do want to cry
no tears would come out from my eyes
and though the feeling really is piercingly heavy
i cannot allow myself to be drenched with thoughts
that would only worsen the hurt i feel right now
the whole thing is not really possible yet i still am affected
i want to cry out to the world and tell them how i feel
but no one would understand
no one would listen
at the end, i will just be judged wrongly
i perfectly know that i cannot continue doing this
i tried so many times to stop myself but my mind always failed me
i assure you i would never stop trying
this, i feel, is something i should let go
i am so sorry for the whole thing
i never intended doing this
it just happened
i am deeply sorry
now thinking about it just cuts right through my skin and it is damn too painful!
_______
oh my
i should not be ranting right now
but i really need to open this or else i will burst like hell
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Directionless
Directionless
My wind blew far to the east with great joy in its heart
slowly flowing through the skies, passing by all trees.
Leaves just keep swaying bringing songs as it beats.
But my wind grew sadder and thought it might retreat.
My wind blew again to the south down and up the sea
now having a great time with all the dolphins at feast.
Waves grew bigger that brought joy to those on the sea.
Yet my wind still finds holes to its joy and so it decided to leave.
I feel sorry for my wind since it can find no true joy.
Its heart full of sadness that it no longer see hope.
The uncontrollable doubt my wind can not get rid of
would always find a way to ruin everything even joy.
_______
If there would be a certain direction that would not bring more sadness but would bring joy to anyone's heart, then i would go there - no matter how different and difficult it would be.
-my wind
My wind blew far to the east with great joy in its heart
slowly flowing through the skies, passing by all trees.
Leaves just keep swaying bringing songs as it beats.
But my wind grew sadder and thought it might retreat.
My wind blew again to the south down and up the sea
now having a great time with all the dolphins at feast.
Waves grew bigger that brought joy to those on the sea.
Yet my wind still finds holes to its joy and so it decided to leave.
I feel sorry for my wind since it can find no true joy.
Its heart full of sadness that it no longer see hope.
The uncontrollable doubt my wind can not get rid of
would always find a way to ruin everything even joy.
_______
If there would be a certain direction that would not bring more sadness but would bring joy to anyone's heart, then i would go there - no matter how different and difficult it would be.
-my wind
Monday, June 23, 2008
Questions
Questions
There may have been times I asked myself what love really is.
Asked many questions regarding what might distinguish it from simply liking a person
and what difference it does when you are in love.
Through my years of being aware that love exists, I really never got to answer my questions.
Perhaps, as I always say, I never really had the chance to fall for any person at all.
Or maybe I did. I just did not know I was in love.
For years I have considered my attraction to people just simply “liked" them.
As to what I have experienced, I always grow distantly attracted little by little
ranging from totally attracted to entirely unattached.
My fondness barely reaches months and probably lasts just by weeks.
It is by this I say to myself, this is not love at all.
Yes, there may have been times I considered someone to be really special.
Treated that person as someone I never wish to part from
and played like a fool trying to straighten up things for the two of us.
But none of them really mattered at the end.
None exceptionally wanted my tiring heart.
For after I voluntarily devote myself, that person would always find a way to disregard me.
Everything I thought to be perfect was just made by my mind's eye.
They never failed to make me feel that they really never loved me back
and that their only purpose was to use me.
Although they really did not tell me, I just know.
After all my disappointments and heartbreaks,
I just look back and tell myself they were not meant for me.
And perhaps they do not deserve me or the love I will be offering.
Maybe in time someone will just come, rightful enough to have my heart.
And by that time, I would perhaps be able to answer my questions.
There may have been times I asked myself what love really is.
Asked many questions regarding what might distinguish it from simply liking a person
and what difference it does when you are in love.
Through my years of being aware that love exists, I really never got to answer my questions.
Perhaps, as I always say, I never really had the chance to fall for any person at all.
Or maybe I did. I just did not know I was in love.
For years I have considered my attraction to people just simply “liked" them.
As to what I have experienced, I always grow distantly attracted little by little
ranging from totally attracted to entirely unattached.
My fondness barely reaches months and probably lasts just by weeks.
It is by this I say to myself, this is not love at all.
Yes, there may have been times I considered someone to be really special.
Treated that person as someone I never wish to part from
and played like a fool trying to straighten up things for the two of us.
But none of them really mattered at the end.
None exceptionally wanted my tiring heart.
For after I voluntarily devote myself, that person would always find a way to disregard me.
Everything I thought to be perfect was just made by my mind's eye.
They never failed to make me feel that they really never loved me back
and that their only purpose was to use me.
Although they really did not tell me, I just know.
After all my disappointments and heartbreaks,
I just look back and tell myself they were not meant for me.
And perhaps they do not deserve me or the love I will be offering.
Maybe in time someone will just come, rightful enough to have my heart.
And by that time, I would perhaps be able to answer my questions.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Dredge Up
Dredge Up
it's been a long time since i remembered posting about you
i was able to set my mind off of you for some time now
though you pass my mind so often
i just wash you off and find another else to think about
it is either i am now well adjusted to the situation
or maybe i just got so tired thinking about you
either way it made me feel far better comfort
no more late night dramas and frequent hidden stares
waiting that you might glance back at me, think about me,
and even maybe forgive me
that night changed everything
i can now look at you without any hesitation that you might see me
no more tears on my pillowcase that would be wasted upon thinking about you
this does not mean i am closing my doors nor my windows for you
i still am open for another chance
still hoping we'll be friends again
i'll just have to stop myself from going hysterical on what happened to our friendship
maybe one day things would get better for us.
_______
you just popped into my mind. that's all.
it's been a long time since i remembered posting about you
i was able to set my mind off of you for some time now
though you pass my mind so often
i just wash you off and find another else to think about
it is either i am now well adjusted to the situation
or maybe i just got so tired thinking about you
either way it made me feel far better comfort
no more late night dramas and frequent hidden stares
waiting that you might glance back at me, think about me,
and even maybe forgive me
that night changed everything
i can now look at you without any hesitation that you might see me
no more tears on my pillowcase that would be wasted upon thinking about you
this does not mean i am closing my doors nor my windows for you
i still am open for another chance
still hoping we'll be friends again
i'll just have to stop myself from going hysterical on what happened to our friendship
maybe one day things would get better for us.
_______
you just popped into my mind. that's all.
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