Downfall

If I fall, I fall

I think of nothing else

With my mind as empty as this hall

But with my heart almost at its full

I grasp helplessly down to the floor

As I grope, yearning for your hold

My breath would be of no respite

Like a downfall shattering my life.

Will this be my demise?

Why I Hate Saturdays

Well, today’s Saturday and when I wake up later, it would be even more obvious that today truly is Saturday. Most people would celebrate on this day because Saturdays to them mean being at home and having some rest. It’s like an escape from the busy, tiring working days and a breather to their tired, suffocated minds. But for me, it’s the opposite. I despise the idea of having Saturdays [and Sundays] for a break.

While in college, I learned that during these days [Sat and Sun] that you suffer much. That in these fucking days you will find time to burden yourself with thoughts about life – your own miserable life. You get to spend a day or two on your own, pondering about anything or everything. It’s like a hard slap on the face, constantly reminding you of the reality.

However, as of this moment, I cannot say I have the same reasons for hating the weekends with that when I was new in college. Now, it is different. Now, I am a full-time bummer who still hasn’t graduated because of a 3-unit subject; with my days spent at home doing nothing productive. I have then, unconsciously, established this lame routine of waking up late, scavenging for food, lying in front of the Tivo, and surfing the net whole day. Plus I get to sleep any time of the day I want. Guess what? I like it.

It’s on weekdays that I get to wake up in the morning with no one else at home, with no one to tell me what to do. It’s these days that I am free to do anything – max out the volume of my speakers, dance like a rock star, and even act out anything/anyone just to entertain myself. Most of which, I can’t do when my mom is around. Not that she won’t allow it, it’s just that I’m not comfortable doing it when she’s there.

So basically, Saturdays would mean no work for my mom and a torture for me. It’s not that I don’t want to be with my mom, I just don’t feel comfortable being with her. There are too many restrictions, barriers, or whatever it is that stops me from being myself around her. Please, don’t get me wrong, I love my mom [very much]. Maybe it’s just a result of how we were raised – of how we were brought up like each one of us has our own little worlds and is to remain confined in it. Locked up.

…and today is Saturday.

To My Insensitive Crowd

By the way their eyes bore through my very soul this afternoon after seeing me with Ms. Mendoza, I cannot continue on showing myself to that bunch of kids I got really fond of being with. No matter how I love hanging out with them, it is with much greater ease for me to step away from the picture and distance myself. I have long suffered the cruelty of such world I was born into where in each move I make, I am painfully and unfairly judged. This I am openly aware of: people by their true nature are judgmental. As I watched them glare at me, insulting me from deep within, I cannot help myself but to condemn them with their inhumane judgment. I must say that in no point in time did I ever think of crossing the line – of ever breaking the bond of friendship I have with those kids. Never. I am fairly aware of my own short-comings, my own personal issues, and never will I fill myself up indecently by abusing their kindness. I respect each and every one of them, for God’s sake! And for that same reason, I ask to be respected in return, not just by my friends, but by those around us, eyeing my every move. But just like I’ve said earlier, it can’t be helped – to judge me, I mean. So, from what I have learned in the past, all I can do is dock and clear myself from everyone’s view. The lesser time I spend with those kids, the smaller the chance of me being fried in the furious eyes of an insensitive crowd. I’ll just have to bid my friends, Goodbye.

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04:24;03.07.10

If Memory Serves Me Fine

I’m mindlessly opening something up this early in the morning. Please do forgive me for this weird thought…

In the years we lived, pieces of what we had gone through simply pile up in our heads, creating what we commonly call, “memories”. They say these memories we have justifies who we were in the past and who we became. Some will fade through time yet some will continue to stand out despite the odd reality that they’ve already been a memory for quite some time now.

Searching through past encounters with black and white images flashing in your head often times bring out a smile in your face. And while in your nostalgic state, remembering what happened at a particular time and date, you tell yourself how stupid you were or how great that scene was or maybe how much fun you had back then. However, not all memories we have were colorfully painted. Some stick in our minds because of the pain we suffered at that time. We simply can’t forget the time we got rejected or ignored while waiting outside someone else’s house or maybe the time we became officially not a part of the graduating students list. Little did we know those events somehow became unbearably stuck in our heads.

I may sound bitter but I am not. Having too much to worry about at the moment brought me to a simple yet truthful conclusion. No matter how colorful or how dull you painted your past, it would never change the fact that it is now just a tedious collection of memories. Memories, as I’ve mentioned earlier, will gradually fade. And though some would stick a little while longer, you’d simply find yourself less and less interested or affected because in every new memory you create, you grow. The things that mattered to you before may not matter to you now and so the feeling would never be the same.


...
Dwelling with the past may bring us clarity to some of our questions but focusing on what’s in front of us at the moment is much more worthy of our time and attention.

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02:36;09.21.09

Sweet Escape

I don’t know how I’d write this stuff in my head without sounding creepy or anything less respectful as a person. Although, I really fear someone might punch me in the head after reading this, I’ll just have to try my best to say things right. Well, I have no intentions of making this post that long. This is just with regards to my very last post here: SECOND YEARS.

Oh, dear, here I start:

For the past month I have been with the second years and for some reason I’d like to maintain that bond I have with them. I am thankful enough that they took me in even for just a short while. I may be an insolent brat who just walked up to them, said “hi”, and finally pushed myself to the group, they still welcomed me [Haha. At least that’s how I felt...lol]. In those brief moments I was with them I forgot my problems so I felt lighter. Maybe that’s what I really needed at that moment, a rest from my tiresome college life.

Well, to be honest, I may have befriended some of them for the reason that I had no one to be with in school. The fourth years were just too busy with loads of work to do and my comrades weren’t anywhere near to accompany me. That time I was drowning in my sick, sluggish life and they were there, busy as the others but more open for a distraction like me.

Frankly, I now know the reason why for the past years it has always been the second years. Second years are still kids, I know. And because of that I want to be with them. They already had experienced college for a year and yet they still have traces of high school in them. They’re more optimistic than the others [which, right now, I certainly lack] and they still have a bountiful source of energy like those of the children. Amazingly, that positive outlook in life seems to be contagious and so being with them feels like I’m younger, ready to dream and make some effort to reach those dreams. Weren’t for the second years right now, I wouldn’t have realized something important that I should have long known of. For that, I thank them with all my heart [madrama].

By the way, staying with them wasn’t that easy at all. I made all sorts of effort just to blend in. It was like a challenge that was so hard to get over with. Well, some of them weren’t that friendly at all but I guess all of my efforts were worth it. I can still remember the first time Melody truly smiled at me [I think..haha]. It was just last Monday, August 24. Whew. Unlike Joy, Venus, and Shae, Melody seemed to avoid me. Anyway, Joy stayed sweet at all times while Venus and Shae were simply nice to me, though Shae and I were somewhat friends already before I got close with the second years. I met Rosette last year during the Project Presentation prep along with April Rose and Richelyn [her, I honestly forgot and just recently got reminded of] so it was easier to iron things out with them. Although, there’s this two, Kerlyn and Kim, they’re just too hard to read. If there was anything that would make me feel like I’m no welcome that would be them. [Haha. Peace!] Actually, they’re not that bad. Kerlyn always invites me most of the time to join them and Kim…well, Kim probably doesn’t care what I do but somehow her personality isn’t that “welcoming”. [Hehehe] I’m not saying that I hate them. I actually like them. They always remind me that I’m no longer a second year and that I have other responsibilities to take care of. They keep me close to my path; made me realize that second years are just my “SWEET ESCAPE”.

For the record, I AM TRULY GRATEFUL to them all.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

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02:03;08.31.09