Sweet Escape

I don’t know how I’d write this stuff in my head without sounding creepy or anything less respectful as a person. Although, I really fear someone might punch me in the head after reading this, I’ll just have to try my best to say things right. Well, I have no intentions of making this post that long. This is just with regards to my very last post here: SECOND YEARS.

Oh, dear, here I start:

For the past month I have been with the second years and for some reason I’d like to maintain that bond I have with them. I am thankful enough that they took me in even for just a short while. I may be an insolent brat who just walked up to them, said “hi”, and finally pushed myself to the group, they still welcomed me [Haha. At least that’s how I felt...lol]. In those brief moments I was with them I forgot my problems so I felt lighter. Maybe that’s what I really needed at that moment, a rest from my tiresome college life.

Well, to be honest, I may have befriended some of them for the reason that I had no one to be with in school. The fourth years were just too busy with loads of work to do and my comrades weren’t anywhere near to accompany me. That time I was drowning in my sick, sluggish life and they were there, busy as the others but more open for a distraction like me.

Frankly, I now know the reason why for the past years it has always been the second years. Second years are still kids, I know. And because of that I want to be with them. They already had experienced college for a year and yet they still have traces of high school in them. They’re more optimistic than the others [which, right now, I certainly lack] and they still have a bountiful source of energy like those of the children. Amazingly, that positive outlook in life seems to be contagious and so being with them feels like I’m younger, ready to dream and make some effort to reach those dreams. Weren’t for the second years right now, I wouldn’t have realized something important that I should have long known of. For that, I thank them with all my heart [madrama].

By the way, staying with them wasn’t that easy at all. I made all sorts of effort just to blend in. It was like a challenge that was so hard to get over with. Well, some of them weren’t that friendly at all but I guess all of my efforts were worth it. I can still remember the first time Melody truly smiled at me [I think..haha]. It was just last Monday, August 24. Whew. Unlike Joy, Venus, and Shae, Melody seemed to avoid me. Anyway, Joy stayed sweet at all times while Venus and Shae were simply nice to me, though Shae and I were somewhat friends already before I got close with the second years. I met Rosette last year during the Project Presentation prep along with April Rose and Richelyn [her, I honestly forgot and just recently got reminded of] so it was easier to iron things out with them. Although, there’s this two, Kerlyn and Kim, they’re just too hard to read. If there was anything that would make me feel like I’m no welcome that would be them. [Haha. Peace!] Actually, they’re not that bad. Kerlyn always invites me most of the time to join them and Kim…well, Kim probably doesn’t care what I do but somehow her personality isn’t that “welcoming”. [Hehehe] I’m not saying that I hate them. I actually like them. They always remind me that I’m no longer a second year and that I have other responsibilities to take care of. They keep me close to my path; made me realize that second years are just my “SWEET ESCAPE”.

For the record, I AM TRULY GRATEFUL to them all.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

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02:03;08.31.09

Sick Routine

Damn, I’m screwed. I just finished watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 5 at 2:55 in the morning. Gawd, this is crazy. Why the hell would I watch that whole fucking series in one freakin day? That’s just nuts…

It’s no more than a year now since I stopped working on my thesis, moreover, it’s been less than half a decade have I started living away from home. In those freakin years I have learned nothing other than completely ignoring and consciously wasting my fucking damn life. For years, I have done nothing but sit still and watch everything pass me by. All I did was just let things go as they are no matter how awful they may be. I’m just stuck up like shit waiting for someone to step on me and that’s just sick.

Today, I wasted a pretty damn day watching a TV series that had only got me frustrated about myself. The night before, I started playing the DVD and I stopped at 4:00 in the morning. I woke up past 10:00 and I continued watching it. Now, I’m done. I’m done doing this crazy stuff. I’m done sleeping my life away. I’m done acting like a child and start being mature. I’m done playing games. Lastly, I’m done quitting the things that matter to me the most. I’ll have to trust myself and stop doubting my abilities. I’m sick of living the same day after another. It’s just tiresome doing nothing. Better yet start anew.

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03:32;08.06.09

Over and After

I can’t make more thoughts of you out of my poor, impaired judgment. Over the past week, I have considered myself to be even more lost in this tangled situation. I’m struggling even greater than before. After that night, I kept on asking myself if everything I said was true; that none of those were merely playfully created by me. I believe that if those were said truly, then I would have felt more at ease with myself. Thus, what I feel right now just proves that I am still having doubts about the matter. Is it even possible to doubt what you have doubted for so long? Hmpf.

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02:43;07.12.09

Details In the Fabric

I've found myself something I wasn't looking for: another freakin' distraction. This matter, though completely complicated, excites me each morning I wake up and occupies my mind the whole fuckin' day until I sleep. Not for so long ago I had felt the same way and I still remember the time I told myself to stop acting so foolishly and to never feel the same way again.

But how am I end this stuff? I mean, it's the reason why each morning I look forward to start my day and why I keep a bright face despite all of the problems I have yet to solve. Well, the only problem here is that I tend to focus less on my thesis because I have this person that constantly occupies my mind. Yes, it's true. It's a distraction. But how am I to forget that face, that smile, and that freaking song that resounds undyingly in my head?

I know, like any other, this will surely fade but somewhere inside me wants to keep it longer. I want to keep the fire burning until such time I realize that all I have is nothing but a fantasy in mind. For before this came to me, I have long lost the game. As to why, I can't tell you. It's just a matter of TRUTH and REALITY.

I can never win a fight that, in the first place, will never even begin.
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01:43;06.21.09

Offline

SUMMER

I went out for a walk in the beach. It was my plan yesterday to go out for a walk thinking that I’ve been living a sedentary life for a couple of weeks. Imagine how I spent my days half of it sleeping and the other half just eating and watching tv. Well, I got tired of having the same routine everyday so I decided to do something different. [Actually, I got worried about my health. It’s not healthy for my heart to be sitting around and doing nothing the whole day. Grr.]

Sand-writing. [edited] I wrote a couple words and doodled a little in the sand. It made the short walk more fun but a little bit exhausting. ;p

I’m thinking whether or not to do the same thing tomorrow. How about taking a short, healthy exercise tomorrow? Hmm.

ISSA
22:13
05.19.09

_______
JOURNAL

Got myself thinking about whether in the future there’ll be a thing that records everything that goes into your mind. It would be really cool to have something like that and I’d surely buy it. Haha. I guess I’m talking nonsense again. Really, I do want to have that kind of thing. I’ve wanted so much to record or write all of my random thoughts so I can just rewind it or read it aloud to those who want to hear or know about it. It’s kind of weird, not to mention, stupid but I just want to share my ideas about things. I know it’s crazy. Who the hell is going to be interested in reading all sorts of stuffs running through my mind? Well, I don’t know. What if there is? What if there’s someone out there who’d be interested in wasting his/her time knowing more about me? Haha.

.....
I want a tablet PC! huhuhu

ISSA
00:17
05.21.09