Again

Again

i've been acting so weird this week or probably the whole month.
and the past days were been tormented by my own selfish thoughts.
it was kinda late this morning i got my answer to my question.
the answer to my confusion or perhaps the best solution to it.
i ignored this before not thinking that this would not matter at all
but i was proved wrong by my own judgment
surely things could get better somehow if i stay this way -
a little bit confused but composed nonetheless.
it is more rational to stick to what i am supposed to be
than to change my course of being
i am not betraying anyone, not myself, for this decision
this is who i am and this is how i should be.
that's all.


______
again i'm typing

Joint Entry

Selfish Me

[edit]post has been removed[/edit]


End

i want to laugh undyingly with the way i acted before [or even minutes before i typed this 2nd entry]
my behavior towards love was clearly unrighteous
it was just a shallow inclination towards that person
my light attachment was over run by my exaggerated emotions
i now feel so embarrassed
maybe this is the last one [i hope]
goodbye

_________
funny how it feels to be enlightened especially by something i never thought would make sense

Rant

Misleading Rant

though i really do want to cry
no tears would come out from my eyes
and though the feeling really is piercingly heavy
i cannot allow myself to be drenched with thoughts
that would only worsen the hurt i feel right now
the whole thing is not really possible yet i still am affected
i want to cry out to the world and tell them how i feel
but no one would understand
no one would listen
at the end, i will just be judged wrongly
i perfectly know that i cannot continue doing this
i tried so many times to stop myself but my mind always failed me
i assure you i would never stop trying
this, i feel, is something i should let go
i am so sorry for the whole thing
i never intended doing this
it just happened
i am deeply sorry
now thinking about it just cuts right through my skin and it is damn too painful!

_______
oh my
i should not be ranting right now
but i really need to open this or else i will burst like hell

Directionless

Directionless

My wind blew far to the east with great joy in its heart
slowly flowing through the skies, passing by all trees.
Leaves just keep swaying bringing songs as it beats.
But my wind grew sadder and thought it might retreat.

My wind blew again to the south down and up the sea
now having a great time with all the dolphins at feast.
Waves grew bigger that brought joy to those on the sea.
Yet my wind still finds holes to its joy and so it decided to leave.

I feel sorry for my wind since it can find no true joy.
Its heart full of sadness that it no longer see hope.
The uncontrollable doubt my wind can not get rid of
would always find a way to ruin everything even joy.

_______
If there would be a certain direction that would not bring more sadness but would bring joy to anyone's heart, then i would go there - no matter how different and difficult it would be.
-my wind

Questions

Questions

There may have been times I asked myself what love really is.
Asked many questions regarding what might distinguish it from simply liking a person
and what difference it does when you are in love.

Through my years of being aware that love exists, I really never got to answer my questions.
Perhaps, as I always say, I never really had the chance to fall for any person at all.
Or maybe I did. I just did not know I was in love.
For years I have considered my attraction to people just simply “liked" them.
As to what I have experienced, I always grow distantly attracted little by little
ranging from totally attracted to entirely unattached.
My fondness barely reaches months and probably lasts just by weeks.
It is by this I say to myself, this is not love at all.

Yes, there may have been times I considered someone to be really special.
Treated that person as someone I never wish to part from
and played like a fool trying to straighten up things for the two of us.
But none of them really mattered at the end.
None exceptionally wanted my tiring heart.
For after I voluntarily devote myself, that person would always find a way to disregard me.
Everything I thought to be perfect was just made by my mind's eye.
They never failed to make me feel that they really never loved me back
and that their only purpose was to use me.
Although they really did not tell me, I just know.

After all my disappointments and heartbreaks,
I just look back and tell myself they were not meant for me.
And perhaps they do not deserve me or the love I will be offering.
Maybe in time someone will just come, rightful enough to have my heart.
And by that time, I would perhaps be able to answer my questions.