Questions

Questions

There may have been times I asked myself what love really is.
Asked many questions regarding what might distinguish it from simply liking a person
and what difference it does when you are in love.

Through my years of being aware that love exists, I really never got to answer my questions.
Perhaps, as I always say, I never really had the chance to fall for any person at all.
Or maybe I did. I just did not know I was in love.
For years I have considered my attraction to people just simply “liked" them.
As to what I have experienced, I always grow distantly attracted little by little
ranging from totally attracted to entirely unattached.
My fondness barely reaches months and probably lasts just by weeks.
It is by this I say to myself, this is not love at all.

Yes, there may have been times I considered someone to be really special.
Treated that person as someone I never wish to part from
and played like a fool trying to straighten up things for the two of us.
But none of them really mattered at the end.
None exceptionally wanted my tiring heart.
For after I voluntarily devote myself, that person would always find a way to disregard me.
Everything I thought to be perfect was just made by my mind's eye.
They never failed to make me feel that they really never loved me back
and that their only purpose was to use me.
Although they really did not tell me, I just know.

After all my disappointments and heartbreaks,
I just look back and tell myself they were not meant for me.
And perhaps they do not deserve me or the love I will be offering.
Maybe in time someone will just come, rightful enough to have my heart.
And by that time, I would perhaps be able to answer my questions.

Dredge Up

Dredge Up

it's been a long time since i remembered posting about you
i was able to set my mind off of you for some time now
though you pass my mind so often
i just wash you off and find another else to think about
it is either i am now well adjusted to the situation
or maybe i just got so tired thinking about you
either way it made me feel far better comfort
no more late night dramas and frequent hidden stares
waiting that you might glance back at me, think about me,
and even maybe forgive me
that night changed everything
i can now look at you without any hesitation that you might see me
no more tears on my pillowcase that would be wasted upon thinking about you
this does not mean i am closing my doors nor my windows for you
i still am open for another chance
still hoping we'll be friends again
i'll just have to stop myself from going hysterical on what happened to our friendship
maybe one day things would get better for us.

_______
you just popped into my mind. that's all.

Helpless

Helpless

I do not share the same experiences as you do and probably the sheer reality that I have never been involved in a relationship before has blinded me to the emotions you are showing me this very moment.
Every time you share me the stories about you and him [edit](her?hahaha)[/edit]], I think of how I would answer you or talk to you.
The exact words would never come out in my mouth and that I would stay silent trying to hear you.
As your friend, I want to help you out, tell you things that would perhaps lighten up your feelings and maybe give you some pieces of advice.
I hope you would understand.
I never experienced any of these and I remain ignorant regarding these stuffs.
This is why you would notice me avoiding these topics because I know I can give only a little bit of help or probably none at all.
Just want you to know even though I am like this, I still care for you.
I may be of no use at all but I can stay and just listen.

____________
Don't be stupid.
I'm talking to you.


...madrama masyado...hahahaha...tuod ka man hadi..joke la..char!=P

Running Away

Running Away

Unknowingly, I betrayed myself for posting my thoughts and feelings the other day.
I could have just started the whole recovering thing without the world knowing that it happened.
But for sure people already have read that and must have been thinking who you are.
I'd like to tell them you're just someone unreal and that I just created you with my own imagination.
It would have been easier erasing every memory of you in me...
Well, in that case, no one would be too gullible enough to believe in that crap.
Or may be you are - just a part of my imagination.
You’re just someone who truly exist but live in a different way.
Now you think I'm gibberish, right?
I've been nonsensical.
You’ve been staying as cool as you are. Not knowing how I really feel.
I should have been blaming myself from the start.
It was I who got me through this agony I am in now.
You have done nothing else but to be my friend.
I should stop right away.

________
"or may be you are - just a part of my imagination."
-Running away can be very hard especially when you know your heart will be left behind broken.

Confused

Confused

I wonder if every thing i did was right.
I chose not to go on with the way I felt and just forget everything that had happened.
Although at some point I still argue with myself what could have happened if i had chosen pursuing my feelings and let the whole world know how i felt.
But then it came to me that the friendship i have now with you is the best thing that i ever had and that i would never try to break.
If in any case you feel uncomfortable about this situation, please don't even think i had used our friendship to get to you.
Please don't misjudge me or hate me.
I never intended any of this to happen.
Even I myself don't like the way I feel right now and that i practically want it to wash away as fast as i could.
I still want you as my friend, you know...


____________________
It really is true.
The harder you fall, the lonelier you become.